It is always good to look back every now and then so that you can see how far you have come.
I was having dinner with a long-time friend, discussing my new book, and she said to me “I’m so glad you found something that has made you smile again.” I thought it was an odd comment as I “always” smile, then she reminded me that it was just five short months ago that I had hit a wall.
I had totally forgotten how much of a struggle it had been to get through my first holiday season on my own. In the weeks leading up to Christmas I had found myself in deep despair; I didn’t think I would be able to cope. I had worked so hard that year to find myself; I was in a good place and then reality hit, I was alone. It hit so hard and so suddenly that I was taken off guard.
When you decide to dig deep and really open your heart and your emotions in order to clear away hurts of the past you will find that every feeling becomes more intense; the joys are higher and the pain is deeper. I found that all of my sorrows from the past four years had come home to roost. I finally grieved for my father who had crossed over almost four years prior, a necessary release that had been delayed due to widowhood and caring for my newly widowed mother and my aging dog, but now they were gone too…
It was then that I bared my soul – I cried aloud. All my outward bravery had no more facade to hide behind. To understand the importance of this “normal” act you need to know that I’m from British stock, stiff upper lip and all. One doesn’t show one’s sadness in public; tears are done in private. Just before last Christmas, I cried on a friend’s shoulder.
Not only did this simple act surprise the heck out of my friend, it totally shocked me. But there it was…. tears, uncontrollable tears. Tears that washed away the last of my wall. I had always provided a shoulder to cry on for everyone else and now, at last, I allowed myself that same luxury. The luxury of leaning on a friend while “in need”.
Such a simple act yet one that I had denied myself all my life. One that allowed me to open the gates of my self-made castle, moat and all. Since that moment my life has skyrocketed into action. I not only survived Christmas, I started to write for this blog and I have written a book. I am human though and I will always have my struggles but I am no longer simply smiling on the outside; I now smile on the inside too.
It is good to have friends remind you of how far you have come….
Oh yes, just to let you know…. Soon I will be celebrating my “re-birth” day. A year ago I underwent such a profound change during one weekend, one where all my hard inner work culminated in a reopening and balancing of my chakras (energy centers that when unbalanced create physical and emotional disturbances) that I emerged a new person. I decided to commemorate it by giving myself a new birthday.
Last week I was sitting having coffee with a new friend, a spiritual medium, when she asked if I had an anniversary coming up soon. I said, “Yes, actually I do, the first anniversary of my “re-birth” date”. Apparently my husband was passing along this information to her as he wanted to let me know he would be celebrating it with me.
Happy Birthday to me….!